Loving Two

When I found out we were pregnant with Chase, Jacob was literally the first person I told. I came running out and yelled, "we're having a baby" and he stood up on the bed and jumped up and down with pure excitement at the thought of having a baby sister or brother, at least to the extent a two year old can put it all together. At first, Jake was set that it was a baby sister. He would always says, "it's a sister" even if you asked, "what if it's a boy?" The first picture he saw, which was the 9 week ultrasound, he looked at it, looked at me, I said, "that's the baby..." and he said, "no Mama, that's not a baby that's a fish!" He watched my belly grow, he talked to it, he rubbed it, kissed it, felt the thumps and bumps, accidentally kicked it at times but he was in love with this little being that he didn't even know. It was so sweet. He was fine when we found out it was a boy. I really thought he was going to have a hard time but he quickly adapted to saying, "it's a brother" from all those months of "it's a sister." As the time got closer to Chase's arrival I found myself getting kind of sad. Still excited but sad that it wasn't just going to be Jacob and I or Jeff, Jacob and I. It was soon going to be a family of four instead of a family of three. I would lay with him and find myself wondering if we had done the right thing by bringing another baby into this perfectly fine threesome we had although I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt we were giving Jacob the best gift two parent's could give a child, a sibling. Being an only child myself I knew how special that was as I longed for a sibling my entire life. So, Chase came, and Jacob did great! He loved that baby with all his heart. He acted out towards us a little but that could have been the terrible 3's, who knows, but I do know he loved Chase. Now, I see them becoming great friends and beginning a friendship and a relationship that I always longed for. Sure, they fight and Jake gets frustrated with him but that's normal. I was just now going through some old documents on our computer and I found this poem, "Loving Two". I had found it way back when I was pregnant with Chase. I read it again now and just can't believe how true it is. I mean, I never really had the problems with Jake like the poem talks about, I put that pressure on myself, he was fine, but all in all the poem is so true. It's so sweet and beautiful. I hope you enjoy and I hope my boys always know how much I love them and how much they have each, individually and together as "brothers", touched and blessed my life.

Loving Two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I can’t, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you. You each have your own supply. I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Love, MOMMY